Break Down Your Walls For Me
by Fang lover23
Summary: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams. It's been a long road for Kendall and James, and one last stop on their journey will finally bring them peace-of-mind. Oneshot. Kames


**Okay, so I must first explain how this story is gonna work. It's somewhat of a crossover of my stories 'Wish List' and 'There You Stood Holding Me'. _Those two should be read before this one for the plot to make sense. _**

**There will be some slash in this like WL, even though there wasn't any in TYSHM. I hope that makes sense, because I wasn't sure how I was going to make that work****.**

**And even though I wrote WL before TYSHM, the latter took place before WL. That way, the slash of the storyline makes a bit more sense.**

**In the beginning, there's not really any slash, and then suddenly later they're together. But remember, significant others have to be your best friend first, and then your boy-/girlfriend. :]**

**Anyways, please enjoy!**

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><p>"Kendall, can we talk?"<p>

The soft voice made Kendall look up from his lyric sheet. He'd been trying to work on the new song Gustavo had assigned them last week, but for some reason, it just hadn't flowed for the blond. Setting it aside, he brought his attention back to his bedroom door. "What about, James?"

Instead of answering, James timidly walked into Kendall and Logan's shared bedroom, plopping himself down on the genius's empty bed. He reached into the pocket of his pullover hoodie and pulled out two pieces of paper, extending his arm out to his friend to hand them to him.

Kendall almost looked amused but kept a neutral face just in case this was super important. James had this innocent, almost sad, expression and he didn't want to upset him. "What are these?" he asked, inspecting the pieces of paper. Looking closer, he saw the unmistakable script that indicated that they were tickets. "United flight 274," he read out loud, "to Minneapolis/St. Paul." He stopped when he read the date. "Friday?" He snapped his head back up to catch James' glance. "Wh-what is this all about?" He held the tickets up, gesturing to them.

"It's time you and I tied up some loose ends," he brunet said simply.

Still not getting what James' point was, Kendall merely quirked an eyebrow. "What kind of 'loose ends'?"

James stood from Logan's bed to join Kendall on his. When hazel eyes met emerald, Kendall saw a little bit of grief, sympathy, sadness, and uneasiness. "I think there's a couple people back in Minnesota that we need to visit."

His tone of voice conveyed everything left unanswered, and Kendall felt the wind get knocked out of him. "Oh," was all he managed. There were only two people he could possibly think of for their current circumstances: his grandfather; the other, unfortunately, the man with whom James shared half of his DNA.

"It's the perfect time," James continued after getting his friend's short response. "We've got a whole week off from recording and rehearsals, and New Years has come and gone so we don't really have to worry about sucky holiday travelling." He bit his lip as he watched Kendall almost fall apart next to him. James placed a hand on the blond's tense shoulder. "Kendall?"

The teen snapped out of his reverie, struggling to keep his breathing in check. He still hadn't totally gotten over the death of his grandfather last year, but felt like this might help…maybe. "Okay," he quietly agreed.

James was taken aback by the sudden response. Though Kendall was down for the trip, there was still reason to be worried. "Alright," he sounded a bit skeptical. "But hey, look at it this way! I just heard from my aunt Ellie that a foot of snow got dumped on our town the other day! It'll be a little late for the holidays, but it will be nice to see snow again after so long in this god-forsaken town!" He chuckled, and Kendall joined him briefly; they both knew James- 'the face'- would never seriously diss Hollywood like that. "There's that smile I love," James teased, his heart swelling as Kendall smiled for the first time since he could last remember.

The next several days were full of packing suitcases and goodbyes. James had sorted it all out with Mama Knight; she knew that they were both almost eighteen and could trust them on their solo trip away from her, even with her maternal instincts flaring.

Logan and Carlos immediately understood their friends' need to pay a visit to their hometown again. They happily said they would stay behind at the Palm Woods- after all, there were just _some_ things that the four of them didn't really need to do together. It would be a nice break from each other, but the friendship and brotherly love they had for each other would not take a hit. Besides, Logan and Carlos had Camille and Stephanie, respectfully, to hang out with (among other people) while their two comrades would be across the country.

Friday morning was a bit hectic to say the least, with last-minute duffle bag stuffing and hurried movements around apartment 2J. Mrs. Knight was almost a mess (two of her 'babies' were going away, after all) and in mama-bear mode. Many hugs were shared between everyone, promises to say hi to any relatives they would see were made, and Mrs. Knight's only demand was that they check in at least once a day. Of course, they agreed just to appease her so they could be on their way to their late-morning flight from LAX. After a few more last goodbyes to their 2J family and their Palm Wood friends that had stopped by, Kendall and James made their way downstairs to go to the limo that Gustavo had graciously let them borrow.

Two hours later, the duo were seated in first-class, Kendall at the window, James on the aisle. The pretty boy turned to his companion and saw that he was gazing out of his window miserably. Not knowing what else to do, James reached his arm up to set his hand on top of Kendall's. The gesture surprised the blond and he jumped slightly at the touch. But realizing it was only his friend he calmed down and smiled at James softly. "T-thanks," he said shakily, returning his gaze to the window.

The hazel-eyed teen immediately caught Kendall's little stutter and wrapped the blond in a one-armed sideways hug. "Don't worry about a _thing_, K-dog. I think this will be good for you," he said confidently.

Kendall turned to stare at the brunet. "You do remember that you're going to face your _own_ problems too, right?"

James' heart sank. He was hoping to avoid that talk until he was facing the event in question head-on. His face hardened to keep his emotions from bubbling to the surface. "Of course; this trip _is_ for the both of us, after all."

Kendall only nodded in agreement, gently running the pads of his fingers up and down James' scarred arms, lingering on one of the darker scars toward his wrist as his eyes locked on the faded one across his neck. It wasn't too long ago that his friend had been suicidal and Kendall had saved him after he cut too deep.

But James was right: it was time for both of them to reconcile with their pasts. It was time to leave the mental breakdowns behind them and accept where their pasts had led them.

Already exhausted a half-hour into the flight, Kendall laid his head on James' shoulder, the brunet resting his own on top of his bud's. Gestures like this looked strange to everyone on the outside of their circle, but seeing as how the duo had become extremely close over the course of the last year, they could care less.

They both closed their eyes, ceasing their never-ending thoughts as they awaited a touchdown in their homeland that seemed suddenly alien to them.

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><p>"Whatcha thinkin' about?"<p>

The question startled Kendall. In the silence of the wee hours of the morning, he'd been relaxed and wound-up at the same time, but the last thing he was expecting was for James to speak up next to him at two forty-six in the morning. He turned to face his friend as they lay in James' aunt Ellie's queen-sized guest bed. "Who says I was thinking about anything?" he asked nonchalantly. "And why are _you_ up?"

The brunet shifted so he was facing Kendall, propping himself up on one elbow. "Well, I just woke up a few minutes ago, realizing I needed to use the bathroom," he explained, "and I saw you laying there just staring at the ceiling. That's your thinking face."

Kendall noted that James was much sharper than he made himself out to be. He hated to admit that the boy was right, but he really _did_ need to get all of these jumbled thoughts out of his head. "I just…" he sighed heavily. "I don't know if I'm ready for all this quite yet."

James chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. _Kendall_, the fearless leader of their quartet for over twelve years, was having doubts. Sure, they all got nervous at times, but when Kendall frets, he makes a bigger deal out of the situation that it really is. It plants its seed in his head and eats at his thoughts until his anxiety practically bleeds out of his ears. "Kendall! You're just psyching yourself out! I'll be with you every step of the way." He slid his hand under the covers until he reached the blond's, rubbing it comfortingly. "Don't get too worked up about it yet…or at all," he said softly.

He heard Kendall exhale a small sob of defeat. "I c-can't help it. You know me…" he trailed off as a bitter laugh escaped his lips.

There wasn't really much else the taller boy could do than gather his friend in his arms as he nearly broke down. In the dim reflected moonlight streaming in off the snow, James saw a single tear crawl down the blond's cheek. Without a word, he reached up and swiped his thumb across Kendall's red-tinted skin, catching it before it fell further. "Hey, hey! Stop being so hard on yourself." He had to keep it together for both of them because seeing his group leader so depressed always put a cracked in his carefully placed and built-up armor. "We've been here _one day_. We've still got plenty of time to deal with the things that need to be dealt with. For now, we're mostly unpacked, and we have a comfy place to sleep; let's just enjoy this and let things happen."

Kendall could only nod in agreement, curling himself against James' side. The vulnerability he rarely showed at all was making the brunet extremely protective. James wrapped his arms around the blond, dropped a kiss on his forehead, and settled in for what he hoped would be a peaceful and dreamless sleep for them both.

But one could only hope after all…

Outside, the stars were twinkling out, and the snow began to glitter with a golden tinge as the sun peeked over the horizon, a sure sign of a new day approaching.

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><p>"I can't do this."<p>

"Yes you can, Kendall."

"No, James, I really _can't_!"

"Well, we're already here, so you might as well get it over with."

"Remember, you have to face _your_ past too."

That still made the brunet freeze briefly every time Kendall brought it up. He almost hated that he was going to _try_ to make 'amends' with his dead father-rapist, but maybe getting everything off his chest might be the best thing at the moment.

The two stared intently at each other in the late morning light. The weather was overcast, reflecting the moods of the two singers as they wandered the local graveyard. It wasn't very large- they'd grown up in a small town after all- and even though he'd been there only once for the funeral, it was relatively easy for Kendall to find the right headstones. His whole family, back to the 1800s, was buried here and was descended from one of the few early settler families left in town.

After only a few moments of walking in the one-foot-deep snow, they stopped at a marble block that read, in simple font: _Marvin Knight_.

It was now or never for Kendall. Looking behind him, he saw James starting to wander off, giving him some much-needed privacy. Not that he wouldn't mind the other boy being there with him, but he was glad James respected that this would be something he needed to do alone.

Crouching down, Kendall gently laid his fingers across the cold stone and traced the letters of his late grandfather's name. "Hi, grandpa," he said, smiling sadly. He could already feel the tears coming, and in the cold, he tried to keep them at bay.

"So…it's been a while, hasn't it? I'm really sorry about that. You know we've been in California, and believe it or not, we've already released an album and have another one on the way. It's all so surreal…"

"Anyway, James finally forced me to come out here together, but I'm glad I came. I've needed to do this; ever since you died I've been such a mess. He's had some skeletons in his closet to face too."

Kendall adjusted himself, settling for sitting on the very edge of the headstone. At least his butt would stay dry for now. "But, I guess it's not the fact that you _died_; it's that it happened so _suddenly_. Mom had just been talking to you two days before! It just doesn't make sense. It just doesn't seem fair."

"I mean, why did it have to happen to you? To _all_ of us? And it was as if…as soon as the whole 'funeral' ordeal started, it ended, and everyone else moved on except me. I don't really understand how they could. Looking back, I actually hate that I held on to you so strongly after you passed."

"Maybe I was being selfish, but I was just so _angry_ at everyone. I've gotta tell you, I had a pretty tough time getting through the five stages of grief. It's been almost a year since you've been gone, and I'm still stuck in stage four: depression."

"No one really noticed that I was so down. They all thought it was just the stress of the band or something. Only James saw through me. He helped me break down my walls, and I could never thank him enough for how he's helped me." He grinned at the thought of what had gone down on Christmas Eve. "He's been my rock," he admitted shyly.

"But that doesn't mean it's been any easier having to live without you. You know me…you always did chide me about my 'suffer in silence' attitude. But I did get my stubbornness from you, after all." Kendall smirked at the ground adjacent to the headstone, and then glanced at the dismally-gray sky thoughtfully. "Maybe…maybe it's about damn time I man up and accept it. You're _gone_, and I can't believe it's taken me this long to come to terms with it."

"I won't be the first to admit that I was just scared- scared to move on, scared of letting anybody in."

"I guess that all changed thanks to my friends, especially a certain hazel-eyed friend of mine. I think you know him…" He laughed at his lame attempt at a joke. "Well, he's a great guy, and the truth is…I love him. More than I think I'm scared to admit to myself."

A sudden wave of anguish overcame the blond, a dam breaking in his eyes as rivulets of tears cascaded down his cheeks. He collapsed in on himself and fell over across the desolate marble as he lost the last thread of restraint. "I just mi-miss you so mu-huh-uch!" he cried to the heavens, finally letting it all out.

It was so chilly out that Kendall's tears froze on their way down his face, but as he lay there on the stone block, he finally felt at peace. Taking a few minutes to compose himself, wiping the frozen crystals off his face and brushing any stray snow off of his clothes, he finally stood up, an immense weight lifted from his shoulders. He took a deep breath, feeling cleansed from the crisp Minnesota air. "I love you, grandpa." He reached into his jacket and pulled out a single lilac flower, setting it down under the engraved name that no longer caused him so much pain. Sure it still hurt and yes, the flower would die in this harsh environment, but like a fresh bud in a winter wonderland, Kendall's world was a little more colorful and beautiful.

With one last nod to the patch of now-sacred soil (to the blond anyway), the bushy-eyebrowed teen turned away to find James. It was eerily quiet, and he soon found the brunet's footprints in the keep snow winding a path deeper into the cemetery. Kendall followed it slowly for a couple minutes, just reveling in the strange serenity around him, when he spotted his best friend kneeled in the snow, no doubt freezing from the waist down.

Still approaching James from behind, Kendall was several feet away when he heard that James was speaking. "…were a bastard, ya know? You caused me _so_ much pain. How could you do that to me- your own _son_? What the h-hell?'

Kendall couldn't bring himself to step any closer. Whether or not the taller boy knew he was behind him, he felt it would be more respectful to stay right there until he was needed or called.

James' sobs and rants grew louder with each sentence. "I don't even want to begin to _fathom_ how messed up in the head you really were. And to think I actually _looked up to you_ as a child. I've never felt so sick as whenever I saw _you_. You're a fucking _psycho_! You ruined me! You were never my father and I will _never _forgive you!" The emotions became overwhelming and the now-vulnerable teen finally broke down and doubled over, clutching his arms around his stomach and letting out a heart-wrenching wail.

Kendall took this as his cue and knelt down to sweep the distressed boy into his arms, but not before said boy put up a fight and began punching the ground below the headstone in agony at the body that lay beneath it. Kendall let James wear himself out, and several minutes later when James' motions slowed and lost their power, he threw himself into the embrace and the two teens sat in the glistening snow, crying themselves dry. The blond rocked back and forth, ignoring the freezing wet feeling beneath him, and held a hand on the nape of the brunet's neck while his other arm was around his hunched back. The more broken boy was practically in his lap as he wept into his shoulder. This was a rare glimpse into the tortured soul that was James Diamond, and Kendall wanted to be there to turn him around.

"It's okay, Jamie," he cooed in James' ear. "He's gone now…he can't hurt you anymore; just let it all out."

And that's exactly what he did. He continued to bawl unceasingly- if not at least _louder_- as he let all the pain and sorrow flow out from his body. He squeezed his arms around Kendall tightly, as if begging him to never leave. He blabbered incoherently, and his entire frame shook from the force of his sobs, but Kendall never let his grip slip for a second. It was definitely a moment of new beginning for both boys, and they needed all the support they could get as it came bursting out into the open.

Kendall eventually looked up from where he had buried his face in the soft, product-less curls on James' head and realized an entrancing snow had begun to fall. The flakes landed in the teen's chestnut locks and on his pink, splotchy cheeks, actually making him look more beautiful than usual. It tore at the leader's heartstrings to watch his friend fall apart like this, but today was a clean slate, and a release of emotions (even if it was bigger than they'd anticipated) was exactly what they needed to help them along the way.

"We're okay," Kendall assured his boyfriend as he continued to cradle him. "Jamie, we're okay!" His triumphant tone caught James' attention, and as he calmed down more and more, he was also beginning to show his ten-million dollar smile. Instantly their whole surrounding area was brighter, and the two came together for a passionate lip lock. It was soft and sensual, their lips moving perfectly in sync, and it conveyed every emotion toward their situation and each other they'd felt since they had arrived in snowy Minnesota: grief, sorrow, and nervousness, followed by longing, relief and contentment.

They were finally ready to move on.

It was time for this chapter in their lives to come to a close. Kendall could finally think about his grandpa without tears, and James no longer had thoughts about his abusive and psychotic rapist father. The moment was perfect, and their lives just seemed to suddenly make sense.

Coming up for air, the teens suddenly realized that they were both shivering and that their butts were quite cold and wet. Looking down at themselves, the thought clicked in their minds that they'd been sitting on the hard, bare, snowy ground for almost half an hour.

Through a beaming smile- and chattering teeth- James finally spoke. "W-we sh-sho-ould get b-back to aunt El-Ellie's and d-d-dry off-f-f."

Laughing heartily and almost insanely at poor James' stuttering, Kendall picked himself and his boyfriend up off the frozen ground and threw an arm around the boy next to him…mainly for warmth. "Well th-then, l-let-t's g-g-go, Ja-Jamie."

Grinning fondly at the affectionate nickname, the two lovers made their way back into town, holding hands and with a new outlook. Sure they'd had a tough time before, but now that they finally put it all behind them, it was time for a new beginning, and they couldn't wait to start it and share it with each other in their cozy little Minnesota.

For now, California could wait.

It would all be worth it in the end, because Kendall and James knew they had each other, and all it took was a little push and some distance from the chaos to bring them back to their roots and accept what had happened. But they wouldn't trade any of it for the world.

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><p><strong>Eh, the ending's kinda 'meh' to me. It felt a little rushed. Sorry that there wasn't much Logan or Carlos, but this storyuniverse is definitely very Kendall/James-centric.**

**Just know that this was very difficult for me to write because WL and Kendall's part here were partially based off my experience with my own grandfather dying. Writing things like this is a way for me to vent and get out my frustration on the matter, and I'm thankful I've had so much support here on FF.**

**So, review please? Maybe? Even if it's just because something was confusing. Or flames. Those are fun.**

**...**

**Umm...Ineedtogotouchmyllamanowbye.**


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